Monday, May 28, 2012

//SPCL: Lamest Villains In the Legend of Zelda

Editors Intro: I don't really play the Legend of Zelda or any of its sequels- I figured it's a girl game. No guns, no cleavage, no swear words and the lead character's gender can't be distinguished. Not for me. However, Artemis is a big fan which is why she's come up with the 12 Lamest Villains in the Legend of Zelda:


12 -Crows: (Ocarina Of Time)
These damn crows  come out at night and attack you in Hyrule field for no apparent reason, I suppose it may be because you’re walking around in a green tunic. Probably mistook you for a walking celery or something.

11- Stalchild: (Ocarina Of Time)
Walking around as young link they come out at night to hinder you, where ever you plan on going. Not much point to them since young link has short legs anyway and it takes him a while to get anywhere.

10-Tektite: (Ocarina of Time)
A Crab like monster that jumps sideways. If it touches you it hurts you, other than that it does absolutely nothing. I honestly see no point of it even existing in the game, except maybe to humor you. What you can do for fun is ride your horse and just run over the creature and it’ll just fall to pieces and burn up. Oh and getting some rupees and hearts I suppose that’s a bit of a purpose…no I’m sorry it still has no purpose in the game.

9-Wall masters: (Ocarina Of Time)
Hands that come down from the ceiling to grab and consume you. Scary? Maybe. Annoying as hell to kill? Definitely. That is why I think they deserve to be on this list. To get rid of them you have to attack a few times and once you stab it, it’ll turn into three tiny hands that try to grab you again to suck your magic. If they do that they’ll return to their normal size again (which you don’t want).

8-Poe: (Ocarina Of Time)
The annoying thing about fighting a Poe is that you waste a lot of arrows. This is pretty much what makes this villain list worthy. It's not enough that you can find them in Hyrule field (although on the field it makes them an optional encounter) however on the field you need to be on your horse and just ride around until you find one. Once you do you have to control your horse and take aim at the same time. Very bothersome. Apparently that wasn’t enough for the creators- they wanted to force you to face the Poes, and for you to enjoy the experience of being out of arrows and, hell I don’t know, maybe to not take arrows for granted :)

7-Giant Octorok: (Ocarina Of Time)
A so called mini-boss you fight him before the actual boss in the belly of, the huge fish, Jabu Jabu. He’s a pain in the ass because you have to fight him by going around the room trying to get behind him without touching the spikes in the center of the room. What needs to be done is getting as close as possible to hit his weak spot, which looks like an eye on his back,  with your boomerang. However, when he gets stunned he turns around and you are forced to go all the way back around and hit him before he gets back up again.
6-Barinade: (Ocarina of Time)
As if fighting the “mini” boss before this guy wasn’t enough, this boss is a fun-making bio electric anemone. What I “love” about him is that one wrong move, like getting too close without stunning  him with your boomerang, gets you a nice jolt, which as you know  if you've played the game, decreases your life.  And what brings me the most joy is the fact that this boss goes around the room like those annoying tea cup rides in theme parks that just make you want to puke.

5-Shadow link : (Ocarina of Time)
Ah shadow link. I found him to be the lamest of them all in Ocarina of Time, because of the fact that he was just that a “shadow” of Link. Just imagine you in a room filled with water a foot in depth, the water is so clear it looks like glass and the walls of the room are just mist. Then a shadow of you decides to have a “heart to heart” with you. The problem is that he starts off mimicking you, so if you don’t attack he won’t and you’ll stay in that room forever.

4-Volvagia: (Ocarina of Time)

 A fire- breathing, lava dwelling dragon- cool huh? I used to think so but mentioning the above lame villains in one way or another I realized he’s pretty lame too. I never really thought about it before in this way, because I was so focused on the events of the game, but to beat this guy, um, you have to... how shall I put this..?  Have you ever been to the arcade and played that game which you have to hit as many moles as you can with a hammer? Well just imagine instead of the moles a dragon and instead of a fake hammer a really big one the size of an axe. I suppose that makes it a bit more cool than the mole game, but It still deserves to be here.

3-Diababa: (Twilight Princess)
The only reason this guy is lame in Twilight Princess is because in order to beat him you need the help of a monkey, and you need to have good aim because the monkey is going to supply bombs. You have to get them with your boomerang and of course it wouldn’t be a new Zelda game if the monkey stayed in one place, he swings across the room behind the boss, so not only do you have to get the bomb while it's moving  but also avoid the bomb hitting the boss on its way to you otherwise you’ll have to wait for the monkey to swing across the room again and get another bomb. No sweat.

2-Zant: (Twilight Princess)
This guy is lame because, even though through-out most of the game, it seems like he’s the bad guy behind everything. He isn’t. He’s actually being controlled by Ganondorf. So he’s pretty much just a puppet and I doubt we’ll be seeing him in any other Zelda games.

1-Lord Ghirahim: (Skyward Sword)
This guy is the lamest out of all the Zelda games I’ve played so far which are the five latest ones. Not only is he annoyingly cocky but his clothes are extremely weird. It's as if he's a male model turned gay/tranny. I don’t get the white lips, he looks like a guy doing a weird lipstick commercial. And on top of that his features are like a dark version of Impa from Ocarina Of Time.

About The Author: When she isn't wasting time playing Legend of Zelda, Artemis is a fully fledged villain- working 12 hours a day making cupcakes and drinking coffee. However, don't let the sweetness fool you, her attitude can be mistaken kindness but her Sandwiches can't be mistaken for Pizza.