Sunday, June 10, 2012

//SPCL: The (Unofficial) Wall Street Journal Guide to Running a Villainous Regime

Very recently, the Wall Street Journal published an article with the descriptive title 'Authoritarian Rulers Get Subtler'. It's brilliantly shelled in a facade that looks like any other paper on neo-facism.We know better. So here is our fan made translation:

The (Unofficial) Wall Street Journal Guide to Running a good Villainous Regime

Editor's note: Please do understand that this is simply a fictional piece of work that in no way, shape or form represents the opinions of those working at Villainian (maybe a little). We're actually pretty nice people andd we loathe communism, love democracy and all this. Viewer discretion is advised.

Now, I only assume that this applies to whether you're looking to control a large number of people or just trying to have a good strong hand on a couple of underlings. The basics should work all the way through without any sort of fault or dysfunction what-so-ever (we think)and a quasi-lifetime of fat old men pulling it off have showed us so.

1-Occupy the Highest position but make it look like you deserved it

So, following the downfall of the last place you worked, you moved across Vietnam to a small village to hide out and find a job at a Shoe factory. Within your first day working in the giant Garbage Sweat Shop they call a 'manufacturing plant' you discover that there's some sort of voting among the workers to fill the factory chairman position (which mostly details sitting on a stained wooden chair and shouting at people). You might be new but at your old job, you were second in charge beneath your dad (before he got shot and you had to bail out of town) so you'd sure love that job. You don't have an in but what're you going to do? You can't let Letsoi (guy on the left) win, he's the next-in-line popular local-bred farmboy employee that wishes to further democratise the system and spread the wealth across... etc etc. That's preposterous.

Are you going to work really hard, rise up to the top and get the popular vote within good time? No, that's just retarded. So what do you do? Well, stop screwing the local factory slut and look around. Get in with the popular crowd and find the most influential. After looking, you'll have made friends with Kim, Mai and Han. They're perfect because they have an in with most of the workers in the Sweatshop +Ahem+ I meant FACTORY WHAT THE FUCK EVER, they're lazy, materialistic and most importantly: they get you.

So after you fashion together a good suit from pieces of clothing you borrowed off people and scraped enough gambling money- you create an in with the fatkats that run the joint. Tell them about how Letsoi wants to spread 'democracy' and will probably just run the factory into the ground, probably not true but fuck Letsoi. Once you assure them that, with you in place, their wallets will only grow in size- you'll have their blessings and before you know it, you'll find yourself the new chairman. They'll do a good job at making it look like you won- Kim, Mai and Han will tell everyone that you're awesome and you like to share brownies (toss random people's salad) while the board members will announce that you won by a believable margin of around 30%.

While you may still think you got it, there's still the issue of Letsoi working his way on top of you. This is why you'll....

2-Hire your lazy buddies to occupy all the high positions you can't

You're top in the factory chain and Kim, Mai and Han form your half-baked special council that are allowed some pretty kick-ass powers. Unlike you, they can't veto any of your decisions but they're too busy watching H.D. episodes of Prison Break to even care. This assures a surrounding block between you and any other Letsoi wanna-be that's trying to rise up the chain and put you out of business. Since you're up there now...

3-Make it look like they're expressing themselves creatively

Or whatever that means. Hang up some bulletin boards, share some porn, artistic workshops every now and then and you're fine. This isn't only to make it look like you give a damn, it's also to make it look like workers do have some sort of outlet they're allowed to express their opinion, talents and all the things you don't really care about.

Even though it seems that things might be looking good but it's far from over because, little do you know, Letsoi (that little shit) is kind of mad at you and is subtly trying to turn workers against you. That'll lead to you....

4-Making Stupid and ambiguous Rules

You'll learn to creatively come up with them. It should be easy. Make up a law that says no demoralising behavior or they lose a percentage of their wage. This is great because there's no such thing as 'demorilising behavior' and even if there was, you wouldn't care would you?. That and you'll get to make some extra cash on the side.

This isn't some joke of a rule, it's actually put into use. Putin creates some really lame rules that no one really understands. He uses tax people and health inspectors to go around shutting down rebellious and terribly anarchistic groups that use their extra shelled cash and Potato Soup as weapons against the motherland. Hugo Chavez does the same with his laws. However, it is important to distinguish that this is a seperate phenomenon from the United States creation of Domestic Terrorism and PATRIOT Act labels (I lied, no it's not). 

Dear lord, now you just found out that Letsoi is taking it an extra mile and is rallying up other disgruntled workers to strike against you. Oh no, communism or whatever.

Fucking Letsoi.

This is exactly what lead to the shooting of your father and you're quite scared, it's understandable. Rejoice, we have a weapon your dad never tried. For you'll have to...

5- Make it clear that you won't fuck with anyone if they don't fuck with you

It's pretty simple to understand but hard in practice. You need to show that while you are a person of generousity that is only beaten by that of an American church, but you also do have the ability to strictly penalise and leather anyone that wishes to stand in your way (not in a sexually devious way, refer to my article about that). Basically- make an example of Letsoi, catch him in the act of 'demoralising behavior'. Walk into the yard during break with an informant and disclose loudly how you're planning to cut major cheese off Letsoi's pay and fire him. Also, throw in some chat about how you've assured that no one will hire him around the village and make sure most of everyone is there to witness that. Give Letsoi's job to the first person to volunteer and pay him double (or just say you will but don't).

The message will be quite clear- they'll stand to gain from putting their heads down and following your program and lose a lot if they tread your waters. It's win/win! This'll work, not only on bottom level employees but also, on your special lounge-brigade council: Kim, Mai and Han. They'll finally understand your ferociousness and act as active firewalls- stopping adware and somehow not catching really atrocious malware that lays dormant for many many years- wait, bad metaphor.

So now Letsoi is finally gone... or is he? Well, you're right to think that he might still want some sort of vengeance. Infact, I'm sure he is. While he angrily and silently trolls around the outside of your premises, that little turd has yet to understand that you've trumped him at your game. This is why you'll...

6-Create an intelligence and monitoring system

Akin to Hugo Chavez's 'Maisanta'- you'll try as much as possible to create a system whereas everyone's movement and actions are monitored and stored in some sort of organised system. It's tough, I understand- after all, you're 'No Fucking C.I.A.' but you'll need to get creative. Create a few extra fields in the database system in the factory (that's if they do have one) and hand it to a bunch of haters you've re-assigned from sole-gluing duty (it's a stupid facet of the manufacturing process anyway) and let them just jot down all they can about all of the people that are even remotely connected to the factory in any way. And then let a condensed version of it 'leak'.

Let it be out there where people can see it and their fears can run rampant. Fear will take over anyone from the boardmember- that's just about to propose that you were growing powerful- to Letsoi, who'll be running home after he finds out you have all his family's contact information.

Of course, none of this will come without you having to show that you have enough balls to move forward and use their information to your advantage. When it comes to it, you'll have to break a mother's leg or burn an employee's house down but hopefully it won't come to that. If it does...then that means you've encountered your biggest theat...

Other People 

Yes, that's right. The most prevalent reason why Letsoi rebelled in the first place is because he was influenced by the parades calling for revolution in demonstrations all over the world. It's honestly hard to control because he saved up money and bought a Chinese phone that's fitted with a primitive yet reliable low grade internet service. He's seen the egyptian movements and now the rest might see it too.

If only there were a way around this.... such as giving them so much work that they don't have the time to do anything else. Otherwise, the pure hearted nature of the internet undoes everything you set out to do.

Not that it's a bad thing you know. You don't have to do it the regime way, there are things out there that do transcend material success- such as the collectivised peace of a working society aimed at bringing nothing but enlightenment towards the world. There's no money in the future or the post-modernist world. But in that world, the idea of what a villain is will change. You're doomed to fail before you even start. The regime is and will always be that in your mind, not those that control third world labor.

Editor's note: we'd just love to remind you again that this is a satirical and fictional piece of work that blah blah.