Tuesday, July 24, 2012

//SPCL: The Villainous Guide To Firearm Laws.

Your dad.
Okay, so I just returned from a good game of bowling and I thought to myself, 'why not come on here and write an essay on something completely stupid and meaningless?'..because you know, those two are related somehow. So I....want to say to say something like 'yes, it is terrible that people have to go through death at the hands of guns purchased legally in the United States etc etc.' But honestly, then I'd sort of be untrue to myself and I don't want that, because I'm honest now, that's what this whole blog's about.

Of course, I'm talking about the Joker guy who's name I sadly misspelled in the permalink title of the last post (yes I noticed that). But now I have returned to bank in on the debate and draw more users to my site: Okay, so it's completely absolutely and moronically stupid to outlaw guns because guns are absolutely spectacular and necessary to the growth of the human species. I will prove this to you today.

Imagine you live in an all American Household. What are they like? I don't know, I base my ideas off Rob Zombie movies and there's no way that can go wrong. So you're the youngest son/daughter of the family and you grew up on the internet watching episodes of The Might Boosh while your slightly mentally challenged older brother and sister grew up on the movie Heat on VHS and really bad Network Television. And your parents? Well, your dad served in Desert Storm while your mom sells cookies or something. So you probably noticed one thing: you and your mom have a lot in common: You really don't like C.S.I. being on T.V. all the time, you don't like your older brother and sister playing video games and going out to party so much (respectively) and, most of all, you hate the fact that kitchen knives are out on the kitchen counter all the time. But your father is so different from you two because he's seen people get blown the fuck up, so you don't really want to fuck with that.

So one day, while you and your mom are blanketed on the sofa watching Harry Potter and The Absence of Mary-Jane, your brother rapes and stabs your sister with a kitchen knife. It's terrible, everyone flips out and after all the crying and all this, you and your mom blame dad for not letting you get rid of the knives. You both say 'OH, The Cleese Family next door have no knives because they're British and sophisticated and they don't let knives into the house' while your dad can't answer because he's drinking himself deep enough to kill all the memories from the war, so he doesn't really give that much shit about knives, infact, he's been selling them just to buy more beer. So you eventually have a huge fight and no one comes to a conclusion.

Here's what we're saying:
The Cleeses next door? They probably haven't mentioned (or you haven't noticed) that their current children are adopted because all their biological children killed each other by fashioning shivs out of toothbrushes. They blooded each other to death mercilessly and the last one was sent to a planet far away to next be heard of again. However, the house after the Cleeses is occupied by the Roseaus, a Swiss family who not only have knives, swords, blades and ninja-throwing stars, they also make them. Actually, they're teaching their kids how to use em, how to make them and and they're all alive, fine and well. This is, of course, as long as they never ever ever turn on the television.

What am I saying?:
Stop Watching The Mighty Boosh and Harry Potter, they're awful and they're making you think British people are really gay. If you don't believe me, watch this:

Oh, and your dad never actually fought in the war.

Before this: Villain Of The Day: Jason Holmes